Wednesday, October 10, 2007

KLTLB Welcomes the Newest Carolina Panther

Welcome back to the NFL, Vinny Testaverde.

I remember when you first started for the Decatur Staleys. Gosh, you looked dashing in that leather helmet. Too bad you sucked so awful they had to move the team to Chicago in '21.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Cheers and BOO-Urns: Week Four Monday Night Sports Extravaganza Edition

Editor's note: this is clearly a blog devoted to football, but special exceptions will be made for the boys of summer as they play to be done with the season in time to trick-or-treat with their spoiled bastard children.

CHEERS to being able to choose from a Monday Night Fooseball matchup between the Cincy Tiggers and the New England Videographers; a wild-card tiebreaker between the Saint Diago Fathers and the Colorado Rockies; Weeds and Californication on Showtime; and Heroes on NBC (which my wife absolutely loves, but frankly I could take or leave)

BOO-Urns to not being able to watch everything at the same time.

CHEERS to the Pod Person who took over the body of Randy Moss. I mean, the guy makes for great football. But I hear that if you show emotion or sleep around him, he will eat you. Eat you, like swallow your body whole and replace you with another pod person. Perhaps that's at the root of Bill Belichick's success. Frankly... it all makes sense now.

BOO-Urns to the Cincinnati Tiggers. That's right. Tiggers, as in the Winnie the Pooh character that's all flash and no danger. Tiggers may pounce on you, but it's in a playful way. They don't cause any harm, except to your digestive tract as you vomit because you expected them to help push the score over the posted 52.5. Jerks.

CHEERS to the Colorado Rockies for making the post-season, and to that entire game last night. Both teams wanted it passionately, and unfortunately for the Padres, the Rockies had the horse shoe up their posteriors.

BOO-Urns to Cal Ripken Jr. as a studio analyst on TBS's post-season coverage. He looked like a middle-aged mad slouched over at a bar, impatiently waiting for his next drink. It occurs to me that I committed a mortal sin in the Baltimore region by slandering Cal. If I never make another entry to this blog, you'll know what happened: I was crucified for making fun of Cal.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Cheers and Boo-Urns: Week 4

CHEERS to Jon Kitna, who led the Lions back for the third time this season! This blog's name still has relevancy! HOORAH!

BOO-Urns to my weekend picks. After starting the day hot (6-1 in the early games), I took an epic dump in the 4 o'clock and Sunday Night games. Record for the week: 7-6. Let's just hope Cincy mans up, rises above their crummy Ohio origins and commits various crimes against the New England secondary. A shivving would be welcome.

CHEERS to Diego Montoya Anderson and Eli Manning for being relevant for another week. Especially to Diego, who totally pimp-slapped the Ravens. Too bad Jamal Lewis couldn't do the same. I may be a Ravens fan, but damn, do I love the irony of Diego downing the Ravens. I guess I'm just a fan of Irony in general.

BOO-Urns to the Houston Texans. Those first two weeks of the season really got my hopes up. Jerks. I hope Matt Schaub finds a bug in his Wheaties this morning. (Side note: I wonder if athletes still eat Wheaties for breakfast)

CHEERS to Coach Norv Turner for murdering the hopes of another franchise. Honorable mention to Phillip Rivers who appears to have gone color blind, or perhaps has been replaced by Jordan Palmer. If Phillip Rivers offers you a balloon this week and asks you if you've been saved, well, that's just not Phillip Rivers.

BOO-Urns to Brian Griese. Note to Lovie: BRING BACK REX!

CHEERS to Tampa Bay for thriving in the face of Cadillac Williams' knee a-sploding early in the game. Jesus, you could hear his knee pop all the way in Barrow, Alaska, from what I've read. It registered a 6.4 seismic reading in Carolina.

A BIG BOO-Urns to Carolina for not covering. You destroyed Chris Simms' spleen, and you couldn't win that game. Cadillac's knee is now in geo-synchronous orbit over Uruguay, and you couldn't win yesterday either. You're a blood thirsty bunch of thugs, but you can't win. Just. Plain. Sad.

CHEERS to Brett Favre for totally ignoring Dan Marino's recorded message o' congratulations after Favre shredded Marino's TD record. There are too many good sports in the NFL when it comes to record-breaking. Cheers to Brett for being an obnoxious jerk about it.

DOUBLE CHEERS to Daunte Culpepper for rubbing the health of his knee in the face of Miami's fans. That was world-class taunting. I'm struggling to find a way to reference the Minnesota Love Boat in here, but since I can't, maybe it's time to put it to rest.