Wednesday, September 26, 2007
ALL HAIL GAMBLOR! Week 4
This feature is named in honor of the 5th season episode of The Simpsons "$pringfield", as well as former WBAL Radio producer Don Ayres, who would always preface his trips to Atlantic City by announcing "I'm going to go pay homage to Gamblor".
Oh, and the lines used here are from my office football pool. Don't use this for actual gambling unless you have the burning desire to flush your money down the crapper.
St. Louis Severe Injury Issues @ Dallas Coach Snausage Fingers and the Romosexuals (-12.5)
This game has the largest spread of the week, and with good reason. It's only week four and St. Louis is already shredded. Steven Jackson wasn't getting it done when he was healthy, and now he's unable to fornicate for the immediate future with a partially-torn groin. Marc Bulger's ribs are pulverized. Meanwhile, even T.O. is drinking the Romosexual Kool Aid in Dallas. Dallas covers, wins by 14. At least.
Green Bay Pack Attack @ Minnesota Vikings (-1.5)
You've gotta be kidding. Did anybody see the way Ole Man Favre ate San Diego's secondary for lunch last week? Besides that, you might also want to pay attention to Green Bay's young, hungry and improved defensive unit. Minnesota's current starting quarterback's biggest claim to fame is that his last name sounds a little like my favorite cereal from childhood. Take Green Bay, I'm guessing they win by two touch-scores and a field score. That would be 17.
Chicago No Sex Cannons @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)
This game makes me sad for two reasons. One, the Bears have benched the funniest, worst and most blogged about QB in the NFL. Two, because the Bears have no offense and their defense has (compared to last season) fallen apart, Jon Kitna will not need to lead the Lions back this week. He'll have the game under control in the fourth quarter and the Lions will easily cover.
Houston Texans @ Atlanta No-Vicks (+2.5)
Yes, ace piano player Joseph Harringbone had a good game last week. That's because he was playing with the fear of being Leftwiched. He won't feel that fear last week. Meanwhile, the Houstons nearly upset the Indianapolises without Andre 3001 starting at WR. Matt Schaub connected with 10 different receivers. Not to mention it's a great opportunity for him to show off how stupid Atlanta was to dump him. Houston covers, wins by 10.
Baltimore Scavenger Birds @ Marróns de Cleveland (+4.5)
I hear Cleveland's Quarterback is pretty passionate about winning this game. Cleveland will, at the very least, cover. They may actually win.
Oaktown Raiders @ Miami Crappy Sea Mammals (-3.5)
Ugh. Do I have to pick a winner? I'd rather poke out my own eyes than sit through this game. I'll go with Oaktown based on the resurgence of LaMont Jordan, but I wouldn't put money on this one if I were you.
NY Mangeniuses @ Buffalo Quadraplegics (+3.5)
Speaking of stinkburgers... I'm just going to keep picking Buffalo until they win one. You probably shouldn't, though. Avoid this game.
Tampa Bay Butt Pirates @ Carolina Panthers (-2.5)
This will be an interesting game, as Jeff Garcia attempts to blind Carolina's defensive line with his glittering eyelashes. Carolina responds by blitzing him silly and giving him the ol' Chris Simms a-sploding spleen treatment. Jeff Garcia will cry. Carolina will cover.
Seattle Seahawks @ Saint Francisco 49ers (+2.5)
You're kidding, right? Alex Smith may have struggled, but they've still got Frank Gore out of the back field, who needs to do a lot better this week to not anger the ghost of his mother. I hear Mamma Gore will now use supernatural powers in all cities except Pittsburgh to put the frighteners on her son's opponents. Matt Hasselbeck is already crapping his pants. Saint Francisco covers easily.
Denvers Who Are Not As Fast As The Horse Whose Name They Bear @ Indianapolis Dolts (-9.5)
I hate both of these teams, but Indy's been playing everybody close lately. Indy wins by a touchdown, but they won't cover. Take Denver.
Kansas City Native American Tribal Leaders @ Saint Diago Our Coaches are Morons (-11.5)
Norv Turner is your coach.
Norv Turner is your coach.
Norv Turner is your coach.
Kansas City will cover.
Pittsburgh Steel Workers @ Arizona Cardinals (+5.5)
Steely McBeam and company are way back this season, and as much as I feel a burning hatred deep in my soul for their team, their city and (to a lesser extent) their state, I respect them. More than I respect Indianapolis. The Cardinals, who are wisely sticking with Matt Lionheart, aren't there yet. Take Pittsburgh to cover. I'm thinking they win by 10.
Philadelphia Iggles @ New York Lesser Mannings (+2.5)
That's it? Philly only has to cover by a field goal? Vegas, this is like manna from heaven. The Lesser Mannings would be 0-3 if Joe Gibbs hadn't called Washington's two minute drill last Sunday like he was tripping on Acid. Andy Reid's sons might have supplied it to him. Andy himself does not partake. Philly wins big.
MONDAY NIGHT SPECIAL: THE SHOOTOUT AT THE OHIO NEARLY IN KENTUCKY CORRAL
New England Videographers @ Cincinnati Tiggers (+7.5)
New England has put up exactly 38 points in each of it's first three games. That's mind blowing to me. Cincinnati has absolutely no D to speak of, but Carson and company have to be pissed that they dropped the game in Seattle. They're at home, they've got a high-powered offense that's been together longer than Tom Brady and Randolpho Moss, and they like to show off in prime time. Cincy covers, big time. I currently also have the total points in this one at 52.5. If you believe that New England will put another 38 on the board, that means all Cincy has to do is score three TDs. They can do that with their eyes closed. Take the over.